


Sherlock Holmes Product Owner's Guide and Manual

by Jaeh



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-23
Updated: 2012-01-23
Packaged: 2017-10-30 13:54:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/332461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaeh/pseuds/Jaeh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p> Have you availed of our new Sherlock Holmes product? Here's your very own owner's guide and manual! Contains tips and specs for your Sherlock Holmes product. Enjoy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sherlock Holmes Product Owner's Guide and Manual

**Author's Note:**

> Possible Innuendos, but not much. Possible spoilers until before Reichenbach Fall.

GENERAL WARNING: Contains innuendos not safe for children. Also, Management does not own the Sherlock Franchise, or Sherlock Holmes.

_**Greetings!** _

You have just received a new Sherlock Holmes product, complete with the magnifying glass, PDA, laptop, scarf, coat, occasional bed sheet, various human body parts and various additional gadgets that come with your order.

This Owner's Manual will help you keep your order in its pristine shape, and will help you troubleshoot any foreseeable troubles you may have in the future. At least, we try.

SPECIFICATIONS:

Name: Sherlock Holmes

Sex: Male

Manufacturer: BBC, inspired by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Products

Year of Manufacturing: 2010

Height: 6'1/2'' (1.84 meters)

Weight: not specified

Length:  _Data is hidden – product comes with warranty if not satisfied._

Power Output: General Output of any male organic material. P _roduct comes with warranty if not satisfied._

Color: Hair: Dark Brown Eyes: Blue-gray, mostly

General Appearance: Very... Sherlock. In well working order for the most part. Well, it depends really, on what you deem 'well-working order'. As this is Sherlock the management is uncertain as to determining what 'well' really means for the product, but more information will be available as you read on.

ACCESSORIES and GADGETS:

Your Sherlock Holmes product comes with equipment of unimaginable scale. From a human skull to a harpoon, your Sherlock Holmes product is equipped with things you will never dream of. At all. We are not entirely sure where the additional accessories come from, but they are there. (Management is not responsible to damages the product might make anywhere.)

In addition, the product comes with your very own set of Sherlock Holmes compatible garments, from his trademark coat and scarf to his signature form-hugging silk shirts. The product may or may not protest when being dressed or clean, and may refuse and confuse you with his patented 'Sherlock scan' and plain sociopathic tendencies if you attempt to push or goad him into it. At worst, he'll insult you in a painful and intellectual way - management is not responsible for psychological damages. He may insist on wearing a sheet, or simply his dressing gown, even when visiting royalty. The management is not responsible for the shame and suffering that the owner may feel - really, we are not.

The product also comes with an array of various clothes. Honestly, we don't really know where they come from. He just has them, or acquire them in some way. The product uses these for his disguises. When the product does this, make sure that you keep track of him, or else you may lose him in a crowd. He usually returns. If he does not, contact the management  _immediately_. The product's brother, Mycroft Holmes, will be immediately contacted and Scotland Yard will be notified. We will find him. Eventually. If he wants to be found. If not, the management will not be liable for any damages that he might cause before he comes back to your home…if he comes back. We sincerely hope he does.

OPERATIONS:

As your Sherlock Holmes product is a very versatile product, he comes with various abilities that can be activated via voice command. If he chooses to obey, anyway.

 _Detective (Consulting)_ : Our Sherlock Holmes products are programmed with the capacity to do 'Sherlock Scans' and to deduce things from various minutiae. Ask your product for more information. (Caution: Product may begin to gloat and show-off. This may or may not be an understatement, depending on the product's mood.) We are not liable for damages on your product if the man decides to go and solve a mystery.

 _Scientist:_  Our Sherlock Holmes products like to experiment with various things. Even with detached human body parts. We apologize for the inconvenience, but that's just how he is. Don't be alarmed if he uses your everyday appliances for this - toaster, microwave, refrigerator, oven, etc.

 _Genius:_  He is really,  _really_  smart. And he knows it. He'll use it on anyone, his brain. Give him a challenge. Or… we don't know. Sometimes we ask why we even built him, he's insufferable, but lovable. Due to popular demand, here he is. Uh, sorry, we digress. Anyway, he knows a lot of things, but tend to discard information that he deems unimportant, so don't expect practical help on your school work. He is not even aware about the earth revolving around the sun (we try not to ask  _why/why not_  anymore. Ask at your own risk). We hope he does not discard your name as unimportant - for that we will apologize, but we are not liable. If he likes you, or is forced to be around you (see SPECIAL FEATURES for more information), he'll remember.

SPECIAL FEATURES:

Angst switches: He gets nasty when he's angsty. They will eventually turn off by themselves, the switches, if the product manages to get his logic back under control. Angst makes him feel…  _human_ , and he hates that.

Doubt and fear - This is really, really bad. REALLY bad.

Boredom - We are not liable for damages. Please refer to CAUTION for more information.

Bad Childhood – your product will be subjected to memories of childhood with his brother and parents. We assume it's not a great one. We do not dare ask anymore.

General Angst – your product will be subjected to extreme mood swings. If he isn't already in one.

Stupidity of others, or similar sentiment - Oh boy, even we do not understand this switch. We just end up being called stupid. You get used to it, but at first… We have bad days. He does, too. We… just exercise general caution. We apologize for damages, but we are not liable.

Romance switches: Irene Adler - your product will be subjected to Irene Adler product attraction sequence. In general, anyway. We are not sure if the term 'romance' is apt, for we are (mostly) certain that the man is asexual. Or so we think.

General Romance - your product will be subjected to female product attraction sequence, normally an Original Character product(custom made, sold separately).

Other switches are customizable.

Fluff switches: John H. Watson - your product will be subjected to John H. Watson product friendship sequence.

DI Greg Lestrade - your product will be subjected to Lestrade product friendship sequence. We still haven't tested if this actually works.

Mrs. Hudson - your product will be subjected to Mrs. Hudson care sequence.

Mycroft Holmes - we are afraid to try and see what this switch does.

General Fluff – your product will be subjected to general moods of fluffiness. May or may not work.

Out Of Character Switch: Renders the product out of character and subject to your own special customizations. We suggest you create a back-up before customization, lest you break the product completely. We are not liable for any damages done to the product.

Additional switches can be added via custom order.

WARNING: Switches are unreliable.

COMPATIBILITY:

Your Sherlock Holmes product is compatible with only a few products that you can avail of. Here are some information that you may need to know:

 _Dr. John H. Watson_ : Your product's best friend ('only' friend, rather, as the product insists), colleague, blogger, 'social' compass, occasional conscience, manners police, confidante and loyal help. Product may be both elated, exasperated, and a lot of other emotions (or, well, nothing in particular that he will admit to) upon seeing John Watson, and will like the interaction, especially when the "Fluff Watson" switch is enabled, coupled with the Angst switches for the John product. The product is very protective of John Watson, and trusts him implicitly.  _Very_. According to Dr. Watson, "He is not my boyfriend, we are not in any… relationship. If anyone cares, I am not gay." When asked why he helps the product, "He is my friend. And he needs it. But to anyone who actually wants to avail of his services I am not sure I can protect you from his own brand of idiocy that even I'm not immune from." See the John H. Watson manual for more information.

 _Mrs. Hudson:_ NOT your product's housekeeper, just his landlady. But expect him to treat her as the former. She cares a lot for your product. "He's a good man, Mr. Sherlock, but he can be a bit… difficult." was what the woman had to say. She is trusted by your product.

 _Mycroft Holmes:_  Your product's brother. Expect brotherly teasing - honestly, we are not even sure if we should even call it 'brotherly', but we are afraid to speculate. His brother is the British Government - in so many ways, and your product may steal things from him for future use. We are unsure as to how to describe the compatibility, but his brother cares. Really, he does. He may visit to ask for help. Expect intense rivalry. The product, however, trusts him. Also, don't tell your product that the management says so - but Mycroft is smarter than him. We were unable to contact him for an interview.

 _Irene Adler:_ "The Woman", as the product calls her. Attraction is apparent, although romantic (from the product's side), we cannot say. The woman had nothing to say about the matter, except for a knowing and rather flirtatious smile. Upon further investigation, we discover that there are matters on being "Sherlocked", although the management is unsure on what that actually means.

 _DI Greg Lestrade:_ Your product's Scotland Yard buddy. Buddy is a term loosely used. The Inspector insists that he is not the man's handler, and that he doesn't like asking him for help. "He is insufferable. But he is (the man said grudgingly) brilliant, I'll give him that."

 _Jim Moriarty_ : Your product's nemesis. Please keep away from your product at all times, for it will bring him (or the Moriarty product) great harm. Seriously, keep him away. "Sherlock, I'm still watching," The man campily and creepily stated. We ran away after that, apologies from the management.

 _Molly Hooper:_ The subject shyly smiles, and asked for the management not to publish a quote. She does, however, says general praise about the man, but acknowledges that he may be rude and hurtful at times.

 _Sally Donovan:_ "He's a freak" was all she was willing to say on the matter, and something about the product possibly committing crime one day.

 _Anderson:_ The Sherlock Holmes product promptly tells him to shut-up. But before he does, we believe he was about to say something that is not meant for children to hear.

CAUTION:

We are not liable for any damages your product may cause. As the Sherlock Holmes product may cause a  _lot_  of damages (psychological, mental, physical, and even environmental damages), he is therefore your responsibility after you bought him from us. We had enough trouble taking care of him before we sell him as it is. Therefore we suggest you also get a John H. Watson product to keep the Sherlock Holmes product in relative control.

You may also be subjected to endless stream of fan girls. Rest assured that the copious amount of fangirls cannot touch your product and that your product will not be attracted for after a few hours your product will warm up to the customer… eventually. At least, we hope so. And he's mostly asexual, so you've got no problem there - you know, unless you want him to be attracted to you - see SPECIAL FEATURES. Also, caution to customers with boyfriends or spouses – your product is very 'delicate' and should not be subjected to beatings of any sort, or else it might fight back. You do NOT want him to fight back. In any case, management is not responsible for damages.

We feel compelled to also add that the product may give various whines and complaints. A lot of them. In spades. Especially when bored. When he's bored, make sure you have either a case ready, or some nicotine patches, or if you're not averse to it, a pack of smokes. Provide with Cluedo or similar games, but we do not guarantee that he'll play 'fair'. But we do not suggest cigarettes - John H. Watson products may get annoyed. Yes, even if your Sherlock Holmes product can hide the habit. If he  _does_  decide to hide it.

He loves serial killers. Provide them at your own risk.

He may also steal from various people for future use. We suggest that you pretend that is normal.

Product is also very unpredictable. We are not liable for his weirdness.

_The management feels compelled to warn you more, but due to the product's genius and unpredictability, we do not know what else we should warn you of. But you're duly warned, anyway._

CLEANING:

The following grooming routines must be followed on a daily basis. It will keep your product spotless and in tiptop shape, and will provide endless amusement and fun for everyone involved.

Comb/style hair.

Clean fingernails.

Brush teeth.

Shower, or give a nice bubble bath.

Change clothes.

After cleaning, dry your Sherlock Holmes by rubbing him briskly with a large towel. Do not tumble dry. Do not hang him on the washing line; he will not appreciate it. People will stare. If this does not bother you, we will pray for your soul.

Please be reminded that your Sherlock Holmes product may or may not enjoy/appreciate such cleaning procedures. Please be advised  _not_  to over-clean your product, for he might spontaneously combust.

FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions):

Q: Is he huggable?

A: Try at your own risk.

Q: My Sherlock Holmes product does not want to change/put on clothes. What do I do next?

A: Apologies, but we have not yet determined how to help you with that. We suggest you call his brother, Mycroft, for help?

Q: HE KEEPS SHOOTING THE WALL! Help?

A: We could not help you stop him - it's in the programming. Make sure to reinforce the walls so he won't shoot anyone outside accidentally (although we doubt that will happen) and keep non-boring things handy. Refer to CAUTION section.

Q: I. Can't. Get. Rid. Of. His. Fangirls.

A: Although that is not a question… our management suggests you put up an electric chain-linked fence with barbed wire around your house. We can do nothing about the fangirls, and for that we are extremely sorry.

Q: Is it safe for me to drag him to a crime scene?

A: You don't even have to drag him. He'll volunteer and be very, very disturbingly elated, as long as the crime is interesting, or more than an eight. If less than an eight, be prepared with internet access and a webcam or a restless Sherlock on your hands.

TROUBLESHOOTING:

Problem: Your Sherlock Holmes is restless. In a bad way.

Solution: Choose your poison: A case, cigarettes, or something illegal. Refer to CAUTION.

Problem: Your Sherlock Holmes keeps on babbling about deduction. And somehow annoys you with it.

Solution: Let him do what he does best and humor him. Or, annoy him further just by nodding indifferently, or saying something that he'll deem 'stupid'. Watch in glee.

Problem: Your Sherlock Holmes suddenly looks different and quite… old-fashioned. Not that you are complaining, but...

Solution: We're sorry, but we seem to have given you a product from another era. Please send back your receipt so your product might be properly sent to you, but if you don't want to please feel free to order again.

Problem: Your Sherlock Holmes suddenly disappears without spontaneous combustion – just disappears.

Solution: We're sorry, but we seem to have given you a Benedict Cumberbatch product, and he's off called by his agent on another project. Please send back your receipt so your product might be properly sent to you.

NOTE:

Please be assured your Sherlock product will provide endless satisfaction and fun that will last a lifetime, just take a few precautions. Buy so at your own risk. For additional questions, please contact our management. This manual may or may not be updated through editing.

Thank you for availing of our Sherlock Holmes Product!

This Manual is inspired by OBI WAN KENOBI Owner's Guide and Manual by lalaithien and by Jaeh's Your Very Own Riley Poole Guide and Manual. The management will produce, in the near future, we hope, a John H. Watson Owner's Guide and Manual.


End file.
